Monday, April 2, 2012

Time

I do not often have the discipline I should.

Time is something that, every few weeks or so, causes me to despair at how little I have of it.  There are not enough hours in the day to practice, to see the people I want to see, to get some quality date time, to keep our apartment clean, to write new songs, to write poetry and prose like I used to, to exercise...

I am a planner, and sometimes this can be a fault of mine.  I get stressed out when I don't know what's going on and frustrated when plans get foiled.  It is something I am gradually learning to loosen up about, definitely with Chris's help (he's the type that often does not plan the way I think he should, and yet things miraculously always work out for him!).

But with the planner in me, if I don't think ahead about un-scheduled time, life can flip on its head and go from having "not enough time" to piles of wasted time.  It's spring break, and I have so many high hopes for it!  Chris roused me on his way to work at 8 am this morning, telling me he left the freezer door open and I'd better get up to close it (perfect trick, it actually got me out of bed - not an easy task!!)  After a few minutes I stumbled to the kitchen (he closed it after all) and then to the living room, where I picked up the laptop "just to check email."  It is now an hour and a half later, and what have I done?  I sent one band marketing inquiry... am now writing a blog post... and spend the whole rest of that time changing Facebook pictures, looking through Twitter, browsing a few blogs, and generally a whole lot of nothing.

Both Chris and I run into days/nights like this, where we get into a funk at how poorly we spent the hours we had.  There are so many worthwhile things to do, and yet we gravitate toward those that will not feed our souls or benefit others.

I think there is a fine line here that I need to walk... I often err on the side of having a “Martha heart,” bustling around trying to accomplish things and fretting about To Do lists. And it's true that I need to not have many mornings like this one where I sit on a couch in the face of everything else I could do. But getting off these cushions and spending the next few hours doing laundry and cleaning is not going to bless my heart, either. I have a wonderful mother who has worked so hard to take care of our family for my whole life. I am in awe of all she has done! And yet, often when we talk, she is frustrated with a day, and says that she “didn't get enough things done.” Indeed, I remember BALKING at hearing that phrase in my teenage years - “Jenna, it's time to get some things done!”  I think I hated the word "things" in the phrase, as if there were these looming tasks that would never be complete no matter what I accomplished (and thus precluded me from getting started at all at times!).  And for all the joy my mom has brought us and others, it makes me sad when her perception of her life is tied to how many chores and tasks she got done in a day.

The Gospel writers tell of Mary, who got it exactly right when she sat at Jesus' feet, soaking in his presence and every word he had to say.  And this is the very thing I am prone to shy away from, wanting to complete something tangible and being tempted to do something else first (which almost always results in me not spending time with Him at all).  I hate this about myself, and hate that I recognize it every few months and slip right back into the same pattern anyway.

So, I am getting off of the couch to first go read and talk to God.  It's not on my To Do list... but really, maybe it should be.  Maybe it should be the first thing, written at the top in all caps in bold Sharpie.  Maybe then I wouldn't begin days and nights with aimless meandering on the internet.  I don't think God's desire for my life is for me to put Him on a To-Do list.  But if that's how my brain operates, maybe it's a least a place to start falling more in love with Him.
 

2 comments:

  1. Jennnnaa.....

    Thank you SO much for being bold and brave and taking a leap of faith to write this today. So much of my heart has been restless...I've spent the past week being unable to sleep due to fear of the future... trying to get everything sorted out and where finances would come from. I was worrying myself to bits trying to make sure I was "getting everything accomplished" ... I think I was/have been/ am missing the very moment the Lord has provided for me right now. And what I can do with this present day.. is so much greater than what I can do tomorrow, a day that is not even before me or guaranteed. Thank you for your bold heart... all my love<3

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    1. Bless you, Lindsey! I will pray for REST for you, the rest that provides that kind of peace that only He can. So much love to you!!

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