Grace Isn't Always a Pretty Word.

I have recently (as in the past several years) learned to love the sound of the word "grace."  I think it's a good example of one of those words that sounds kind of like what it means.  Just hearing it, I can see the graceful arc of a ballerina's arm extending above her head, a river bird perfectly gliding onto the water, my grandmother's weathered and kind face.

God has been revealing to me, bit by bit, what His grace looks like.  And it, too, is beautiful.  There is such poetry in hearing the grace shown to the prodigal son, returning home and undeserving of love but being received with running, open arms by his father.  Each time Jesus shows his grace by looking at, touching, or healing a hurting woman, my heart melts.  Grace is wrapped in love, and when it is lavished, it turns our heads and we take notice.

In the past couple years, I would probably tell you that I've had many opportunities to learn what it means to extend grace.  Forgiveness is at the root of it - learning to let go and love again when I've been wronged.  God's lesson in this to me is the pillar that our marriage is built upon.  Chris and I dated for a while right after I graduated from college, and it ended in a horrible breakup.  There were a pretty miserable few months there.  Eventually, God led me past my grief to show me who I was without Chris, which I realized I had lost sight of.  And then one day, just as I was beginning to try to cleanse the anger from my heart, Chris called out of the blue.  He, too, had been growing in our time apart, and he came to me with apologies and acknowledgements of every wrong that had been done.  God intervened and took every ounce of anger I had carried on my shoulders in one breath - it was a physical feeling!  Forgiveness was not instantaneous - I learned that it is a choice, to choose into it daily rather than retreat into the past.  I certainly did not go leaping back into Chris's arms, and he was wise to not expect that, but he spent the next months faithfully, intentionally pursuing my friendship and then my heart.  With trust built up based on showing one another grace and forgiveness, we began to date in order to marry.  God's grace is the reason for our marriage today.  And while it was hard and ugly for a while, it's all part of a beautiful story.

HOWEVER.  The turning point in our story is when Chris came and sought my forgiveness.  He knew he didn't deserve it, but he came to make amends.  And while extending forgiveness when it is requested is not always easy, it softens my heart when someone humbles himself to admit his wrongdoing and begins to pave the way for it.

BUT... what about when someone doesn't ask for forgiveness?  When someone either refuses to acknowledge their sin, or truly doesn't even see it?  This the place I sit.  God is putting multiple people in my life who have no interest in trying to reconcile, to talk it out, to apologize for something.  One may just ignore me and the whole problem, another may just act as if nothing wrong ever happened, and then, horror of horrors, another actually might need something from me.

This is when grace feels ugly to me.

Everything inside me is injured, indignant, and wants to cry out, "Do you have any idea what life has been like for me?  How can you pretend everything is fine?  I'm hurting!  YOU hurt me!!  And now you WANT something from me?!" and on and on and on...  And I'm sure there would be many a person who would say I'm justified.

And this exposes my as-yet immature plunges into extending grace.  Because I'm willing to forgive... if someone apologizes first.  Until then, my tendency is to hold out.  I can even act kindly on the surface to that person, because it might make me feel good about myself, like I'm the "bigger person."

I once read in Timothy Keller's book Prodigal God that you can't truly forgive someone if you still think you are better than him.  It grabbed my heart at the time, and I conveniently managed to put it away and not think about it until just this second as I'm writing this.  I talked to Chris about one such situation, and indignantly pointed out the irony and injustice of it all.  He so simply said the thing that I knew deep down in my gut and didn't want to hear aloud... "Yeah, but wouldn't this be a really great opportunity for you to show grace?"  Cue the stomach plunge and watery eyes.

I'm pouring out my heart here because grace sounds like such a lovely word.  And looking at the aftermath of it being poured out, it usually leaves a lovely picture behind.  But sometimes, when you're the one with the choice, it doesn't feel lovely.  It feels hard and wrong and backwards.  And like it's the last thing you want to do, the last thing the world would tell you to do, because it doesn't make sense.  That person could go right on ahead and take advantage of you, and you would be the weaker for it.  And, frustratingly, you might never feel the benefit of what you pour out to that person.

"In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." Jesus said this to his followers in Luke.  He's not just talking about earthly possessions.  He means my pride, my self-given "right" to be apologized to and to be treated the way I think I should be.  This is what grace is.  Lavishly giving when it is undeserved and feels absurd.  Forgiving and extending love when it hurts.  Sometimes there is no earthly reward for this.  If I'm waiting for a pat on the back, I shouldn't have bothered in the first place.

I'm sure a song will come out of all this at some point... On our first album, there's one I wrote about learning to apologize (seriously a difficult thing for me at one point).  I guess now God's got me on a different side of things, way more difficult to me than the seemingly easy thing of accepting an apology (and it once seemed so hard!).  I pray I can learn to do this because it's what Christ did for me, long before I thought of apologizing or trying to admit my own wrongs.

what looks like weakness can do anything 

and what looks like foolishness is understanding 

when what is powerful has not come to fight 

it looks like you’re going to war 

but you lay down your life 

but i give myself to what looks like love 

and i sell myself for what feels like love 

and i pay to get what is not love 

and all just because i see things upside down

~derek webb