The album has, in most senses of the word, begun.
We released Waiting to Begin on May 20, 2014. That day, we saw it appear on iTunes, Amazon, Spotify, and all other online music sites. People were posting it, tweeting it, giving feedback. People sent cards and flowers. People said "Congratulations!" all day.
And most times, I had to think for a moment why they were congratulating us before it sunk in. I wondered why there were flowers on my desk when I got to work. I truly wasn't sure what they were talking about for a good 10 seconds each time.
And then it would hit me - oh. Our album is out in the world today. So am I told. Is that real, though??!
I think about 35% of those blank stares were because it hadn't hit me yet - each time someone asked how it felt, I answered, "Surreal." I think the other 65% of those looks were because we were planning for the release show, happening a mere 10 days after the digital release. A release date can be a huge deal, but when your eyes are locked on the next thing, it can slip by almost unnoticed.
Anne Lamott has a very humorous, very true narrative about the publication date of a new book in Bird by Bird. This is the only book of hers I've had the pleasure of reading, but I adore her style - she voices all the crass humor and self-maddening lines inside my head, assuring me I'm not the only crazy person out there. Her experience was a bit opposite of mine, for which I owe her and several wise, warning musician friends a debt of gratitude.
"There is something mythic about the date of publication, and you actually come to believe that on this one particular morning you will wake up to a phone ringing off the hook and your publisher will be so excited that they will have hired the Blue Angels precision flying team to buzz your squalid little hovel, which you will be moving out of as soon as sales of the book really take off.
...I remember one year my friend Carpenter and I had books out on the same day. We talked about it all summer. We each pretended to have modest expectations... The week before, we talked almost every morning about how excited we were and what a long time we had waited, and how it was just like being a a little kid waiting for Christmas Eve. Finally the big day arrived and I woke up happy, embarrassed in advance by all the praise and attention that would be forthcoming. I made coffee and practiced digging my toe in the dirt... Then I waited for the phone to ring. The phone did not know its part. It sat there silent as death with a head cold. By noon the noise of it not ringing began to wear badly on my nerves. Luckily, though, by noon it was time for the first beer of the day. I sat by the phone like a loyal dog, waiting for it to ring. Finally, finally it rang at four. I picked up the phone and heard Carpenter laughing hysterically, like some serial killer, and then I became hysterical, and eventually we had to be sedated.
...This is often pretty much what it is like... I tell you, if what you have in mind is fame and fortune, publication is going to drive you crazy." - Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird
Truly, Anne, as well as Jeremy from Willet, thank you. Your anecdotes and cautionary tales saved me from being a curled up, hysterically laughing centipede on the living room rug. Expectations are everything.
From this, I take two big things.
1) "If what you have in mind is fame and fortune, publication is going to drive you crazy." Chris has been very purposeful about the definition of success for Chris & Jenna. We have seen too many musician friends focused on the idea of "making it," whatever that means, and dried themselves up in the process of attaining something they'd never truly defined or fleshed out for themselves. Chris & Jenna's success is not based on gaining nationwide radio play. It is not on becoming famous. It is not on being affirmed that our music is good. There are many goals like this that are not wrong to pursue; they are simply not ours at the moment. Right now, success for us means that someone hears a message of hope in a lyric and is changed. And that is happening. And we are humbled to the core by it. This, in part, is why our release day did not come with as much pressure as it might have. We made art, we wanted to share it with the hope of speaking truth to people, and we did. Therefore, it was a successful release.
2) When we are so focused on the next big thing, it is all too easy to miss the joy of what is happening now. The release show was by far the biggest musical undertaking we have done, and it showed. We were overwhelmed, we made a hundred mistakes and omissions in the planning process, we spent every moment between our day jobs and sleep on it. So when the digital release of the album came, we were in a bit of a fog of preparation for a real live show. Thus my incoherence and incomprehensible responses to folks' "Congrats!!" Thank heaven for these excited people - otherwise, the whole day might have slipped by unnoticed. With the weight of two years work on my shoulders, I think they really were more excited than I was in the moment.
Let it be known that it all sunk in the night and day after the release show, and it was a beautiful, cathartic weekend. All of the emotion and energy came rushing out, and we felt loved and blessed beyond measure. It is not always this way when a creative project is unveiled, and we do not take it lightly. Thank you to each and every person who came on board and made it so special for us.
So, the record has begun. Keyword: begun, not finished. We knew, and were reinforced by other musicians, that if we completely spent ourselves in the process of release, we would have nothing left to propel forward. We did not make this album for 1,000 copies of it to sit in our spare bedroom. We made it to share it with the world and impact people's lives. The release of it is a beginning, a launch, to go and do that.
We've had our rest. We have taken band work days and spent them guilt-free eating food and laying on the couch. We have watched more episodes of Parenthood than I care to admit. (I lied. I'll admit every one of them. I want to live in Berkeley with them, where everything is hilarious and achingly beautiful.) Now, it is time to get back in the driver's (and passenger's) seats and move forward with what we've made, so it can fulfill its purpose and the definitions of success we set. They may change. We want to hold them loosely and prayerfully at all times. But having clear definitions of what success is and being present in it are both preciously crucial. To our music, to our mission, and to our very lives.
-Jenna
